Poor Man's Choucroute Garni The Frogs ain't the only culture with a cooked sauerkraut dish; 'choucroute garni' sounds awfully elegant, but it's basically what the Poles would call bigos.

• 1 lb sauerkraut
  
• 1 med. onion, chopped
  
• 4 juniper berries or 1/2 tsp fennel seeds
  
• 2/3rd cup Riesling or another sweetish white wine
  
• 2 smoked pork chops (or 2 thin-cut regular ones)
  
• 1 lb kielbasa
  
• 6 oz Canadian bacon or slab-cut ham
  
• whatever cooked meats or sausages you have lying around
  

1. Rinse the sauerkraut thoroughly, and toss it into a large saucepan or skillet.
   
2. Add the chopped onion, juniper berries or fennel seeds, and the wine. Add water until only a thin layer of sauerkraut extends above the liquid.
   
3. If you're using fresh pork chops, brown them in a skillet with a little oil, 3 minutes on a side. In either case, cut the pork chops off the bone (if any) and into 1/2" thick strips.
   
4. Turn the heat to high, and start the sauerkraut mixture boiling.
   
5. Cut the canadian bacon or ham into 1/2" thick strips. Cut the kielbasa into 3" lengths, and cut each length in half lengthwise.
   
6. If you have leftover cooked meats or sausage, cut them into bits too.
   
7. Throw all the meat into the sauerkraut mixture, toss, add salt and pepper to taste. Cover it, turn heat to medium, and let it bubble away for a half hour. Check it from time to time, and if it's getting dry, add a little more water. If, at the end of the half hour, it's still too liquidly, remove the lid, turn the heat to high, and boil it down a bit.
   

You're done. Serve with bread, butter or cheese, and a veg.  ¶ 6:50 PM

  Rice with Onions & Garlic Speaking of rice... Wait a minute... You're not actually using that minute crap, are you? Iesu Christe, you seriously need to be spanked. Real rice takes maybe 20 minutes, most of which it's bubbling on the stove and you can do other things, so how can you not be making it from scratch?

• 1 cup rice
  
• 2 cups chicken stock (or 1 can broth, with a bit of water to bring it to 16 oz)
  
• s&p to taste--if you're using canned broth, you won't need salt--that stuff is pretty damn salty already
  
• one small onion
  
• two cloves garlic
  
• bay leaf
  
• 1 Tbsp butter
  

1. Smash and chop the garlic finely. Peel and dice the onion.
   
2. Melt the butter in a small saucepan over medium-low heat; when it's melted, add the garlic, onion and bay leaf, stir a bit, then cover. Cook for a few minutes, stirring occasionally, until the onion is soft and translucent.
   
3. Add the rice, stir a bit.
   
4. Add the stock or broth, salt and pepper to taste. Turn up the heat until the broth is boiling, then turn it down quite low, and cover.
   
5. The rice should take about 20 minutes; check it from time to time. When there's no visible liquid at the top, use a fork to dig down to see if there's still liquid toward the bottom; it isn't done until all the liquid is absorbed.
   

Very likely, the rice will be done before your main dish, particularly if you start with the rice; no problemo. Just keep it covered, turning off the heat. It'll stay warm long enough.

Do I Hafta use Broth?

Stock's better, kiddo. But yes, you can damn will spring 80 cents or something for a can of broth. Rice made with water is fine for Chinese or something, but it's damn tasteless, eh? Besides, you get a nice hit of protein this way. Not that Dad really gives a crap about that--he's no health nut. But hey.

Can I use Brown Rice Instead?

You, apparently, are a health nut. Dweeb. But yes, you can; add another half cup of liquid, cook for 40 minutes insteaad of 20 (adding a little more liquid if necessary to keep it from burning in the last 10 minutes). Definitely start with the rice, since you don't want to have finished your main course and be waiting for the rice to finish. Everything else works fine.  ¶ 3:38 PM

  Pork Chops Liegeoise That's "cheese glazed" for you non-Francophones. If at all possible, get your pork chops from the butcher, cut to suit, instead of in plastic at the supermarket.

• 4 1" thick pork chops (about 2 lbs)
  
• S&P to taste
  
• 1 Tbsp oil
  
• 1/3 cup grated extra-sharp cheddar (what Granny used to call "rat cheese")
  
• 1 Tbsp Dijon mustard (not the grainy kind)
  
• 1 egg yolk
  
• 1 Tbsp milk
  
• 1 clove garlic, minced
  
• 2 Tbsps of the green tops of scallions, finely chopped (save the rest of 'em for something else)
  

1. Heat the oil in a pan, preferably cast-iron, with the gas turned way up, until hot but not smoking.
   
2. Salt and pepper both sides of the chops, and throw 'em into the pan. Let 'em cook until well browned on one side--5 minutes should do they trick. Turn them over, cover the pan--that's to keep the heat in so they'll cook through quicker--and cook about another 5 minutes.
   
3. Meanwhile, combine all the other ingredients in a small bowl, and preheat the broiler.
   
4. Uncover the pan; with a fork, spread the cheese mixture over the top of the chops, trying to get equal amounts on each and cover as much of the surface area as possible.
   
5. Run the pan under the broiler until the cheese is melted and browned--a minute or two should do the trick.
   

Oh my god, just 10 minutes for pork chops, you're trying to kill me, aren't you?

Get over your dumb morbid fear of pork, you peckerwood. The truth is that you're a whole lot more likely to get sick off of undercooked chicken than pork, and 10 minutes is fine here, with the pan covered. Bet you won't see the slightest pink in the middle when you eat 'em, and even if you do, it's no cause for concern. Most people cook crap out of pork, reducing it to the consistency of shoe leather. Dad likes it nice and tender.

This goes well with rice and a salad.  ¶ 4:31 PM

  Yer Basic Spaghetti with Meat Sauce Can't go wrong with the spaghet, right? Even a toddler will chow down on the noodlies, probably smearing sauce across her face and half the dining room rug, but if you didn't know having a rugrat has its ugly side when you got into it, well, I imagine you've figured it out by know.

Here's the thing though; if you use store-bought pasta sauce, Dad will reach through the computer screen and give you a damn good thrashing. Disgusting goo. And there's no damn justification for it, because it just ain't that hard to make your own. So get cracking.

• 1 lb spaghetti
  
• 1 lb hamburger (ground round or chuck--sirloin is too damn lean and tasteless)
  
• Coupla Tbsp olive oil
  
• 28-oz can of crushed tomatoes in tomato puree (or if they don't have that, tomato puree by itself is okay--not as nice texture, but it works)
  
• Coupla Tbsp chopped garlic
  
• Large onion, diced
  
• big ol Tbsp of oregano
  
• likewise of dried basil
  
• Dad likes to throw in a Tsp of some other herb, varying it from time to time, for a slightly different flavor; try tarragon, thyme, or savory
  
• S&P to taste
  
• Coupla shakes of hot red pepper
  

1. Fill yer biggest pot with water, stick it on the stove over high heat, pour more salt than you might suspect into the water, slap the lid on, and get it boiling.
   
2. While it's heating up, put a skillet, preferably cast-iron, over medium-high heat. Pour in a Tbsp of oil, swirl it around, then crumble the hamburger into it. Cook the hamburger, chopping it with the edge of a spatula or a big spoon, and stirring it frequently, until the pinkness disappears and the hamburger is in lotsa small bits.
   
3. Dump the hamburger into a strainer, and press it to get out as much of the fat as feasible, then wipe out the pain.
   
4. Return the pan to the stove, heat up the other Tbsp of oil over medium heat. Throw in the garlic and onions, and cook'em until soft, stirring occasionally.
   
5. Open the can of tomatoes, pour it into the pan. Add the spices and the cooked hamburger, s&P to taste, and mix it. Get it bubbling, then turn the heat to low and let it cook away, stirring once in a while.
   
6. Any time from about point 3 on that the big pot is boiling, dump the spaghetti into it. If the kinder are small, you may want to break the spaghetti in half first, making it tad easier to handle on the plate, but it's up to you. And stir the fucker, y'hear me? Frequently. I use a big salad fork, makes it easier to break up any strands that are sticking together. Stir it every couple of minutes, and if you've got any big clumps when you're done, then what can I say, you're an idiot. And forget about that 'pour some oil into the pot' nonesense--sheerest superstition, does not a damn thing to help.
   
7. Anyway, when the spaghetti is al dente, probably about 10 minutes but look at the package, drain it and toss with the sauce.
   

Not hard, right? A coupla points, though.

Chopping Garlic

I'm only going to go through this once, so listen up. You can spend have your damn life peeling garlic and slicing it up, or you can do it the easy way. Okay? Separate a clove from the bunch. Put it on the cutting board. Take a big ol' knife, place the flat of the knife atop the clove, and press down with your other hand, smashing the clove. Remove the knife; you'll find that the skin comes off easily, and the clove is already broken up, so that when you chop it, it's easy.

But Can't I use Fresh Tomatoes?

What are you, some kind of Whole Foods Nazi? No you cannot use fresh tomatoes, you dweeb. If you were Italian, you'd know this, if only because your grandmother would have gone on and on until you wanted to throttle her about how she took five days to get from fresh tomato to her own special beloved pasta sauce. And yes, it was probably better than this is, but we don't have five fucking days to spend on this project. Mind you, a fresh tomato sauce is a lovely thing in it's own right, but that's a recipe for another day.  ¶ 1:03 PM